In the summer, Rebecca only did Sophie’s hair every other day. She neatly parted and greased her scalp. Each section she carefully combed and brushed, then with sturdy, sure fingers, she began to braid Sophie’s thick, long hair. Her fingers would begin to work faster toward the end of the plait, a testament that the tough part of the braiding was over. She would braid her hair to the hair’s end so that the plaits would stay put.
“Be still before I pop you with this brush, girl”. No answer. There was no need. Sophie just tried to be as still as she could so she didn’t upset her mother.
There was usually no conversation between Rebecca and Sophie during hair-combing time. This is the way Rebecca wanted it. She managed her children in such a way that casual conversation, which included jokes and laughter, was a sealed gift, which only adults were worthy to receive. Rebecca even reserved her rich, warm smile for adults. Rebie’s house rules kept the children on a strict schedule. In-between meal snacks were forbidden. Friends were only allowed to come over when all chores were done and only on special occasions were they allowed inside the house. Sophie and Simon felt a pressure of being watched at all times, therefore they were self-consciously aware of every move they made. Her house was immaculate and the children had to do their part to keep it that way. Toys were never left out unattended. No clothing articles were allowed to be left out in the open.
This morning as on many other mornings, the sound of the Price is Right was all that could be heard, less the occasional scolding by Rebecca for Sophie to be still. But just as the day’s sun can unexpectedly change a great day for a picnic into a day of cloudy disappointment and worry, the eight year-old Sophie, normally controlled and frightened by her mother’s demeanor, had a whim to speak.
“Momma, Simon was cryin’ last night in his room. Did you hear him?”
“No.”
“I did. He cried a long time. I was gon’ go in his room to see what was wrong. But I didn’t.”
“Um. What you think he was cryin’ about?”
“I think it was the same thing he been cryin’ about since things changed.”
“Yea. Sometimes things got to change and it might make people cry but it is better in the long run.”
“Momma, do you think you should tell Simon more about why my Daddy had to leave? Maybe if he understood what happened he wouldn’t be so sad.”
“I told him what he could understand. The rest has to wait till he gets older. You cain’t make a tree bear its fruit before the tree grows its leaves.”
“Momma did you tell me everything?”
“I told you what you can understand.”
Thank you for sharing that portion of your novel. How far along are you? When will you finish?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the small excerpt, but one thought does come to mind. Now - this might simply be because I do not have the subsequent lines after what you posted, but the description that you give of the mother places her as not only an authority figure, but incredibly strict, emotionally distant and apparently intimidating to the children. Yet- when her daughter hesitantly decides to ask a question, I get no feeling of that strict and emotionally distant mother in the dialogue with her daughter.
ReplyDeleteSo, just the one question that popped into my head after reading. And that may be your intention and we just need more of the story to see that. I did enjoy it though and found myself interested in reading more.
I'm glad you are PLUNGING IN! The first line set a beautiful tone. I think you are on the track to something wonderful.
ReplyDeleteDarlene, wonderful story. I love paragraph 1. It brings back a lot of memories.
ReplyDeleteTwo suggestions - par. 3 should be divided into 2. Also, I get the feeling that in par. 3 you are telling too much and should be showing. A lot of this can come across through later dialogue.
I think you give the reader a nice taste of what is to come. Very descriptive.
Also, nice blog page.
Dwan Reed
Dear Darlene, I can see you're a storyteller! And that's a good way to begin. The story is good so far, leaves you wondering why daddy left, but there are some things you need to work on with a good critique group before you get this before the eyes of a publishing house.
ReplyDeleteFirst, which point of view (POV) is this in? Sophie's? If so, you need to keep it totally in her POV because you jump into Rebecca's head a few times. You can do multiple POVs, but they have to be in different chapters. Next dialogue tags. There's a lot to say about them, but it's best to break the conversation up with a "beat" or action. You have lines and lines of conversation. Just add some beats (action) in between.
Those are just a few suggestions a good critique partner or partners will give you Darlene. I have crit partners as well. A writer should always have a circle of trusted writer friends to tell them the truth about their work. I value mine:)
You have a whole lot of promise. i encourage you to finesse your writing. Polish this promising story up till it shines!